WASHINGTON, DC–Praising President Donald Trump for his much-anticipated remarks denouncing the KKK, neo-Nazis, and white supremacists by name, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) told NBC News he expected the problem to be resolved in “weeks”.*
Rubio acknowledged that Trump “took his time” to issue a proper condemnation, and was actually one of several Republicans to criticize the White House’s initial response to the deadly violence in Charlottesville, VA. In his first remarks on the incident, Trump denounced violence “on many sides” and failed to condemn any specific groups or ideologies.
Trump’s early comments were widely seen as out of character for an outspoken president with a famously porous filter between his thoughts and his Twitter feed.
Texas has decided to create a new statewide holiday in honor of the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush. The new holiday will occur every year on July 6, which is the former president’s birthday.*
US officials are expressing some optimism that a looming conflict with North Korea will give the US Military Interventionists a chance to pick up a much-needed victory.*
The possible match-up against North Korea comes at a delicate time for the Interventionist organization.
The team has suffered an unbroken string of losses over the past 16 years against a diverse array of opponents from the Middle East and South Asia divisions. In many of the wars, the Interventionists seemed to have the upper-hand early only to see the leads slip away into chaos in the end.
Following up on President Trump’s controversial Twitter directive to ban transgender people from serving in the military, Henry Kissinger said the ban didn’t go far enough. The venerable foreign policy expert proposed extending the ban to cis-gender people as well.*
At a press conference in DC, General John Nicholson praised the Senate’s vote to admit the Eastern European country of Montenegro into NATO. The current leader of the US war effort in Afghanistan, General Nicholson predicted it would be an “absolute gamechanger” for the global War on Terror.*
The General acknowledged that the 15-year-long War on Terror has “not quite met expectations” and lamented the current stalemate in Afghanistan, which has seen the Taliban rapidly gaining ground in many parts of the country and actually sounds nothing at all like a stalemate.
It is estimated that the US has committed $4.8 trillion dollars to the War on Terror, and hundreds of thousands of troops have been deployed at times to Iraq and Afghanistan. In spite of this, the US has been unable to usher in a sustainable peace in any of the places it has waged war, and the General unhappily conceded that terrorism seems to be spreading “faster than a new Adele single at a college sorority.”
With all that said, the General thinks Montenegro’s entry into NATO could be just the thing we need to “tip the scales” back in the US’s favor. “Montenegro brings an impressive military budget that is nearly 1/7,800th of America’s and their armed forces amount to almost 1/100th of US’s. By bringing them into NATO, we’ll expand our military strength by at least one-hundredth of one percent, maybe even two-hundredths of one percent.”
One reporter present asked if that would be enough to make a difference.
The General’s reply: “Every little bit counts.”
* General Nicholson is a real person and he really is in charge of operations in Afghanistan right now. However, all of the quotes attributed to him above are fictional in nature.