Stranded Florida Man Relieved He Didn’t Have to Overpay for Gas

A person uses their SUV to stay above flood waters | Credit: Izinzer, Flickr

MIAMI–Speaking to reporters on a cell phone from the hood of his SUV while flood waters closed in around him, local resident Phil Stewart said he was grateful to the Attorney General for cracking down on would-be price gouging by gas stations.*

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Battered by Past Storms, Hurricane Harvey Finishes Off Fiscal Conservativism

The remnants of Fiscal Conservativism | Credit: Lance Cpl. Scott Whiting, DVIDSHUB, Flickr

TEXAS–The flood waters and storm clouds of Hurricane Harvey are beginning to recede, but residents in the small town of Fiscal Conservatism say things will never be the same again.*

Surveying the damage after President Trump  quickly agreed to a nominal 3-month debt ceiling extension with the Democratic leadership to ensure federal spending on Harvey relief, resident Rand Paul (R-KY) told The Daily Face Palm, “I don’t think we can recover from this.”

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FBI Declares Antifa “Domestic Keynesians”

Caricature of former economist Paul Krugman | By DonkeyHoteyImage , CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Saying that the black-clad activist group has now become a significant threat to Americans’ liberty, property, and ground-floor windows, the FBI has officially decided to label the “Antifa” group “Domestic Keynesians”.*

The FBI noted that this is one of the highest threat designations they have for individual groups, roughly equivalent to the sunburst orange threat level for the country at large.

Though small in number, the anti-fascist groups are known for punching above their weight with high-profile counterprotests. They’re also known for punching.

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Police Grateful to Trump for Restored Access to Necessary Tanks, Weapons

Thanks to the AG’s decision, dangerous backpack-wielding protesters will once again be confronted with overwhelming force. | Credit: Scott Olson, Getty Images

On Monday, US Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that the White House was eliminating all Obama-era restrictions on a controversial arms-transfer program, which allows domestic law enforcement agencies to purchase military surplus equipment.

Then-President Obama ordered restrictions put in place in 2015 after embarrassing photos emerged out of Ferguson, Missouri during high-profile police brutality protests. The photos featured heavily armed police in camouflage garb threatening protesters armed with cameras, leading to some confusion whether the pictures were taken in a US city or in one of the US’s many photogenic war zones.

President Obama responded to the mishap by establishing draconian restrictions on the surplus program, preventing police from purchasing even the most critical law enforcement tools like armored tanks, high-caliber weapons, grenade launchers, and bayonets (in case they come across any remaining redcoats on their patrol).*

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Rejecting the Transgender Ban: We Cannot Come Together Without Conquering Together

Depiction of an early national team-building exercise in Egypt | Source: Flickr

When I write My Two Cents, I do my very best to stick to the straight and narrow of moderate centrism.  So much damage is done to our democracy by politicians and voters who form principled opinions based on a coherent worldview instead of firmly sticking to the sensible middle ground position.*

But after hearing the news that the Trump Administration really is moving forward with his tweeted plan to prohibit transgender individuals from serving in the military, I realized I could not hold back what is left of my flaccid ideology any longer.

Not only is this latest trans-ban bad policy, and bad politics, it is fundamentally immoral.

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Introducing My Two Cents

The Daily Face Palm is excited to introduce My Two Cents, a bland new opinion column that advocates responsible centrist solutions to today’s problems.

Following in the wholly unremarkable footsteps of Senators Robert Menendez and John Kasich, My Two Cents believes that consistent principles often get in the way of effective governance. Both parties have a lot to offer Americans, and multiple studies have shown that the best policies come from a compromise between slightly left-of-center Democrats and slightly right-of-center Republicans.

We don’t need new ideas to improve this country. We just need the political courage to double down on the old ideas.

It’s time to put patriotism before principle and embrace the common sense reforms that will move this exceptional country forward.

Trump on Afghanistan: “I Usually Follow My Instincts, Except When They’re Right”

Donald Trump describes the probability of success for his new Afghan War strategy. Credit: Marc Nozell

Fort Myer, VA–In a widely anticipated foreign policy speech on Monday, President Trump laid out a bold new branding strategy for the War in Afghanistan. He also offered some important insights into his decision-making process.

Trump explained to the audience that his original instinct on Afghanistan was to pull US troops out, a position he has expressed openly for several years. But he ultimately came to a different conclusion now that he is president.

As he summarized, “I usually follow my instincts, except when they’re right.”*

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Is Trump’s Foot-in-Mouth Disease an Impeachable Offense?

Donald Trump attempts to spot his approval rating at a distance, and the back of some guy’s head. Credit: Marc Nozell

Washington, DC–In the wake of the horrific violence that broke out in Charlottesville, VA between white nationalists and counter-protesters over the weekend, President Trump has offered a shifting response that was widely seen as inappropriate.

Trump’s reaction has been unnerving for many Republicans and has been received poorly by many American voters.

It has also created a new opening for Democrats to criticize the president without appearing unduly partisan. Public opinion polls show that neo-Nazi groups have an abysmal approval rating in the US among Democrats and Republicans, with the ideology scoring even lower than the US Congress–a feat political scientists previously thought to be impossible.

The new political opportunity is now being aggressively seized by Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN), who has announced plans to submit impeachment articles against President Trump over his response to the tragic events in Charlottesville.*

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After Specific Condemnation, Senator Expects White Supremacist Issue Wrapped Up in “Weeks”

Marco Rubio | Credit: Gage Skidmore

WASHINGTON, DC–Praising President Donald Trump for his much-anticipated remarks denouncing the KKK, neo-Nazis, and white supremacists by name, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) told NBC News he expected the problem to be resolved in “weeks”.*

Rubio acknowledged that Trump “took his time” to issue a proper condemnation, and was actually one of several Republicans to criticize the White House’s initial response to the deadly violence in Charlottesville, VA. In his first remarks on the incident, Trump denounced violence “on many sides” and failed to condemn any specific groups or ideologies.

Trump’s early comments were widely seen as out of character for an outspoken president with a famously porous filter between his thoughts and his Twitter feed.

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