King Salman of Saudi Arabia announced this week that he was appointing his 31-year-old son Mohammed bin Salman as the new crown prince. Mohammed bin Salman currently serves as the country’s defense minister and has pursued an ambitious foreign policy agenda since taking the post two years ago.*
This week, a Washington, DC jury decided to acquit Ferdinand Jones of manslaughter charges relating to the death of homeowner Tomas Hernandez. Jones had already pleaded guilty on a lesser charge of criminal trespass.*
On Thursday, President Trump made a historic decision to withdraw the US from the Paris Climate Accord, thereby condemning future US generations to a forecast of squalor and/or migrating north to Canada.*
“The billionaire class got the budget they wanted.”*
Washington, DC — During a press conference Thursday, President Trump asserted that “gravity exists, and everyone knows it”.*
At a press conference in DC, General John Nicholson praised the Senate’s vote to admit the Eastern European country of Montenegro into NATO. The current leader of the US war effort in Afghanistan, General Nicholson predicted it would be an “absolute gamechanger” for the global War on Terror.*
The General acknowledged that the 15-year-long War on Terror has “not quite met expectations” and lamented the current stalemate in Afghanistan, which has seen the Taliban rapidly gaining ground in many parts of the country and actually sounds nothing at all like a stalemate.
It is estimated that the US has committed $4.8 trillion dollars to the War on Terror, and hundreds of thousands of troops have been deployed at times to Iraq and Afghanistan. In spite of this, the US has been unable to usher in a sustainable peace in any of the places it has waged war, and the General unhappily conceded that terrorism seems to be spreading “faster than a new Adele single at a college sorority.”
With all that said, the General thinks Montenegro’s entry into NATO could be just the thing we need to “tip the scales” back in the US’s favor. “Montenegro brings an impressive military budget that is nearly 1/7,800th of America’s and their armed forces amount to almost 1/100th of US’s. By bringing them into NATO, we’ll expand our military strength by at least one-hundredth of one percent, maybe even two-hundredths of one percent.”
One reporter present asked if that would be enough to make a difference.
The General’s reply: “Every little bit counts.”
* General Nicholson is a real person and he really is in charge of operations in Afghanistan right now. However, all of the quotes attributed to him above are fictional in nature.
In a move that is sure to spark controversy, the Arkansas State Senate just introduced new legislation to outlaw transgender bathrooms in all publicly-owned and privately-owned buildings.*
Republicans are keeping their promise on healthcare. This week, leading GOP legislators proudly announced a new bill that will completely repeal and replace the name of ObamaCare.*
While checking his finances this month, Wade Thomas was shocked to discover he has a $250 monthly trade deficit with his local supermarket. “I have no idea how it got that big,” Mr. Thomas explained.*
In a groundbreaking new study, researchers at the Sierra Club found that only fossil fuels that are burned after being transported by pipeline have an impact on climate change. Fossil fuels used after being transported by other ground-based means, such as trains, do not have any noticeable effect on climate change, the study said.*