Category Archives: Foreign Policy

Entire World Terrified After Senator McCain Calls for Bipartisanship

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) made headlines last week with his dramatic return to the Senate floor after being diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer.

One of his first actions while back on Capitol Hill was to cast a decisive vote in favor of starting the formal debate procedure on healthcare reform in the Senate. Ironically, he then proceeded to vote against the healthcare bill that had the best chance of passing and was again decisive in scuttling the Senate’s efforts.

While these McCain votes captured many of the headlines in the US, international observers were focused on a different aspect of McCain’s busy week. Specifically, upon his return to the Senate, McCain took the opportunity to give an impassioned plea for Democratic and Republican lawmakers to come together and collaborate on new legislation.*

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After Voting Against Sanctions, Sanders Reassures Supporters He Doesn’t Have Principles

Bernie Sanders Painting – DonkeyHotey, Flickr

Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) came under heavy criticism this week after being one of only two senators to vote against this quarter’s batch of new sanctions against Iran, North Korea, and Russia.*

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Kissinger Calls for Extending Military Service Ban to Cis-gender Americans

Following up on President Trump’s controversial Twitter directive to ban transgender people from serving in the military, Henry Kissinger said the ban didn’t go far enough. The venerable foreign policy expert proposed extending the ban to cis-gender people as well.*

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US Praises Saudi Leadership Change as ‘Democracy at Work’

King Salman of Saudi Arabia announced this week that he was appointing his 31-year-old son Mohammed bin Salman as the new crown prince. Mohammed bin Salman currently serves as the country’s defense minister and has pursued an ambitious foreign policy agenda since taking the post two years ago.*

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Citing US Foreign Policy, Home Invader Claims Self-Defense After Attack by Resident

This week, a Washington, DC jury decided to acquit Ferdinand Jones of manslaughter charges relating to the death of homeowner Tomas Hernandez. Jones had already pleaded guilty on a lesser charge of criminal trespass.*

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US General: Montenegro Entering NATO Will Be a ‘Gamechanger’

At a press conference in DC, General John Nicholson praised the Senate’s vote to admit the Eastern European country of Montenegro into NATO. The current leader of the US war effort in Afghanistan, General Nicholson predicted it would be an “absolute gamechanger” for the global War on Terror.*

The General acknowledged that the 15-year-long War on Terror has “not quite met expectations” and lamented the current stalemate in Afghanistan, which has seen the Taliban rapidly gaining ground in many parts of the country and actually sounds nothing at all like a stalemate.

It is estimated that the US has committed $4.8 trillion dollars to the War on Terror, and hundreds of thousands of troops have been deployed at times to Iraq and Afghanistan. In spite of this, the US has been unable to usher in a sustainable peace in any of the places it has waged war, and the General unhappily conceded that terrorism seems to be spreading “faster than a new Adele single at a college sorority.”

With all that said, the General thinks Montenegro’s entry into NATO could be just the thing we need to “tip the scales” back in the US’s favor. “Montenegro brings an impressive military budget that is nearly 1/7,800th of America’s and their armed forces amount to almost 1/100th of US’s. By bringing them into NATO, we’ll expand our military strength by at least one-hundredth of one percent, maybe even two-hundredths of one percent.”

One reporter present asked if that would be enough to make a difference.

The General’s reply: “Every little bit counts.”

* General Nicholson is a real person and he really is in charge of operations in Afghanistan right now. However, all of the quotes attributed to him above are fictional in nature.

World Mourns Loss of Obama’s “Beautifully Hollow” Rhetoric on Foreign Policy

As the world braces for the Trump era in US foreign policy, it appears the new President’s 140-character declarations are much less popular globally than the flowing oratory of his predecessor.

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