On Thursday, President Trump made a historic decision to withdraw the US from the Paris Climate Accord, thereby condemning future US generations to a forecast of squalor and/or migrating north to Canada.*
At a press conference in DC, General John Nicholson praised the Senate’s vote to admit the Eastern European country of Montenegro into NATO. The current leader of the US war effort in Afghanistan, General Nicholson predicted it would be an “absolute gamechanger” for the global War on Terror.*
The General acknowledged that the 15-year-long War on Terror has “not quite met expectations” and lamented the current stalemate in Afghanistan, which has seen the Taliban rapidly gaining ground in many parts of the country and actually sounds nothing at all like a stalemate.
It is estimated that the US has committed $4.8 trillion dollars to the War on Terror, and hundreds of thousands of troops have been deployed at times to Iraq and Afghanistan. In spite of this, the US has been unable to usher in a sustainable peace in any of the places it has waged war, and the General unhappily conceded that terrorism seems to be spreading “faster than a new Adele single at a college sorority.”
With all that said, the General thinks Montenegro’s entry into NATO could be just the thing we need to “tip the scales” back in the US’s favor. “Montenegro brings an impressive military budget that is nearly 1/7,800th of America’s and their armed forces amount to almost 1/100th of US’s. By bringing them into NATO, we’ll expand our military strength by at least one-hundredth of one percent, maybe even two-hundredths of one percent.”
One reporter present asked if that would be enough to make a difference.
The General’s reply: “Every little bit counts.”
* General Nicholson is a real person and he really is in charge of operations in Afghanistan right now. However, all of the quotes attributed to him above are fictional in nature.
As the world braces for the Trump era in US foreign policy, it appears the new President’s 140-character declarations are much less popular globally than the flowing oratory of his predecessor.
Incoming President Donald Trump has announced a bold new strategy in the War on ISIS.* Speaking to reporters after a recent visit to Capitol Hill, Trump said that the war needs to be waged on two fronts, military and economic, and called for a “reverse blockade” against the terror group.
In a new and explosive report at The Washington Post, anonymous senior US intelligence officials have revealed the existence of a new highly classified intelligence assessment on Russia and its influence campaigns against the US. The assessment, code-named “BEARLY SECRET” or BS within the intelligence community, focuses on the activities of state-funded broadcaster RT and Russian President Vladimir Putin’s personal involvement in actions against the US.
Birmingham, AL–At a press conference on Wednesday, the Grand Spellcaster of the Ku Klux Klan, William Gordon, strongly endorsed humanitarian intervention in Syria and “anywhere else.”