All posts by The Daily Face Palm Staff

Advocates: Let the GOP Healthcare Repeal Effort Die with Dignity

Let the GOP healthcare repeal have the medicine it needs. | Credit: Charles Williams, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–Saying that the last days are always the hardest to watch, a group of activists and lawmakers on Capitol Hill this week argued that the GOP Obamacare repeal effort should be allowed to die with dignity.*

“There are good days and bad days,” Senator Rand Paul explained, “but deep down, we’ve all known the patient is terminal.”

Continue reading Advocates: Let the GOP Healthcare Repeal Effort Die with Dignity

Harvard Rescinds Manning Fellowship, Regrets Tarnishing Brand with Integrity

Noted peace criminal Chelsea Manning, who exposed thousands of innocent classified documents to the elements. | Credit: Tim Travers Hawkins, Wikimedia Commons

BOSTON, MA–On Friday, the Harvard Kennedy School’s Institute of Politics withdrew its fellowship invitation to Chelsea Manning, the notorious traitor who leaked thousands of classified documents and exposed the inner-workings of America’s benevolent foreign policy.*

When the invitation was originally extended, it set off a firestorm of criticism from current and former high-ranking officials who helped oversee that foreign policy and were inexplicably upset at having their good deeds revealed to the public. Current CIA Director Mike Pompeo abruptly pulled out of a speech at the Harvard Kennedy School in protest. Additionally, former Acting CIA Director, and noted proponent of assassinating Russians and Iranians, Michael Morell penned a letter of resignation from his current post at the Kennedy School, thereby denying a generation of aspiring, patriotic sociopaths an experienced lecturer in the field.

Continue reading Harvard Rescinds Manning Fellowship, Regrets Tarnishing Brand with Integrity

Skeptical of Trump’s Judgment, Senate Votes to Preserve Unlimited War Authorization

Donald Trump describes the number of Senators willing to vote for or against any of the wars. | Credit: Marc Nozell

WASHINGTON–On Wednesday, the US Senate voted 61-36 to end debate and kill an amendment that would have established an expiration date on America’s current Authorizations for the Use of Military Force (AUMFs).*

The AUMFs have drawn criticism over the years for being both vague and stale. Apple comes out with a new iPhone almost every year. By contrast, the US hasn’t come out with a new AUMF in nearly 15 years.

Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT), who spoke in favor of sunsetting the current authorizations, said that the AUMFs have been “terrific products that have exceeded all expectations in terms of durability and versatility,” alluding to the fact that the authorizations have been used to justify a highly diverse set of conflicts against various enemies.

“But now that the US government has gotten their use out of them,” Murphy continued, “we’re ready for something new.”

Continue reading Skeptical of Trump’s Judgment, Senate Votes to Preserve Unlimited War Authorization

Stranded Florida Man Relieved He Didn’t Have to Overpay for Gas

A person uses their SUV to stay above flood waters | Credit: Izinzer, Flickr

MIAMI–Speaking to reporters on a cell phone from the hood of his SUV while flood waters closed in around him, local resident Phil Stewart said he was grateful to the Attorney General for cracking down on would-be price gouging by gas stations.*

Continue reading Stranded Florida Man Relieved He Didn’t Have to Overpay for Gas

Battered by Past Storms, Hurricane Harvey Finishes Off Fiscal Conservativism

The remnants of Fiscal Conservativism | Credit: Lance Cpl. Scott Whiting, DVIDSHUB, Flickr

TEXAS–The flood waters and storm clouds of Hurricane Harvey are beginning to recede, but residents in the small town of Fiscal Conservatism say things will never be the same again.*

Surveying the damage after President Trump  quickly agreed to a nominal 3-month debt ceiling extension with the Democratic leadership to ensure federal spending on Harvey relief, resident Rand Paul (R-KY) told The Daily Face Palm, “I don’t think we can recover from this.”

Continue reading Battered by Past Storms, Hurricane Harvey Finishes Off Fiscal Conservativism

FBI Declares Antifa “Domestic Keynesians”

Caricature of former economist Paul Krugman | By DonkeyHoteyImage , CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Saying that the black-clad activist group has now become a significant threat to Americans’ liberty, property, and ground-floor windows, the FBI has officially decided to label the “Antifa” group “Domestic Keynesians”.*

The FBI noted that this is one of the highest threat designations they have for individual groups, roughly equivalent to the sunburst orange threat level for the country at large.

Though small in number, the anti-fascist groups are known for punching above their weight with high-profile counterprotests. They’re also known for punching.

Continue reading FBI Declares Antifa “Domestic Keynesians”

Police Grateful to Trump for Restored Access to Necessary Tanks, Weapons

Thanks to the AG’s decision, dangerous backpack-wielding protesters will once again be confronted with overwhelming force. | Credit: Scott Olson, Getty Images

On Monday, US Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that the White House was eliminating all Obama-era restrictions on a controversial arms-transfer program, which allows domestic law enforcement agencies to purchase military surplus equipment.

Then-President Obama ordered restrictions put in place in 2015 after embarrassing photos emerged out of Ferguson, Missouri during high-profile police brutality protests. The photos featured heavily armed police in camouflage garb threatening protesters armed with cameras, leading to some confusion whether the pictures were taken in a US city or in one of the US’s many photogenic war zones.

President Obama responded to the mishap by establishing draconian restrictions on the surplus program, preventing police from purchasing even the most critical law enforcement tools like armored tanks, high-caliber weapons, grenade launchers, and bayonets (in case they come across any remaining redcoats on their patrol).*

Continue reading Police Grateful to Trump for Restored Access to Necessary Tanks, Weapons

Trump on Afghanistan: “I Usually Follow My Instincts, Except When They’re Right”

Donald Trump describes the probability of success for his new Afghan War strategy. Credit: Marc Nozell

Fort Myer, VA–In a widely anticipated foreign policy speech on Monday, President Trump laid out a bold new branding strategy for the War in Afghanistan. He also offered some important insights into his decision-making process.

Trump explained to the audience that his original instinct on Afghanistan was to pull US troops out, a position he has expressed openly for several years. But he ultimately came to a different conclusion now that he is president.

As he summarized, “I usually follow my instincts, except when they’re right.”*

Continue reading Trump on Afghanistan: “I Usually Follow My Instincts, Except When They’re Right”

John McCain Condemns All Nazis Not in Ukrainian Government

Washington, DC–Seeking to further distance himself from an embattled President Trump, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) reiterated at a press conference over the weekend that he “strongly condemns the KKK, white supremacists, and all Nazis that are not in the Ukrainian government.”*

Continue reading John McCain Condemns All Nazis Not in Ukrainian Government

Is Trump’s Foot-in-Mouth Disease an Impeachable Offense?

Donald Trump attempts to spot his approval rating at a distance, and the back of some guy’s head. Credit: Marc Nozell

Washington, DC–In the wake of the horrific violence that broke out in Charlottesville, VA between white nationalists and counter-protesters over the weekend, President Trump has offered a shifting response that was widely seen as inappropriate.

Trump’s reaction has been unnerving for many Republicans and has been received poorly by many American voters.

It has also created a new opening for Democrats to criticize the president without appearing unduly partisan. Public opinion polls show that neo-Nazi groups have an abysmal approval rating in the US among Democrats and Republicans, with the ideology scoring even lower than the US Congress–a feat political scientists previously thought to be impossible.

The new political opportunity is now being aggressively seized by Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN), who has announced plans to submit impeachment articles against President Trump over his response to the tragic events in Charlottesville.*

Continue reading Is Trump’s Foot-in-Mouth Disease an Impeachable Offense?