WASHINGTON, DC–In a rare outbreak of bipartisanship, last week Democratic and Republican lawmakers came together and agreed that deficits only matter when the other team is in charge.
This acknowlegement came on the heels of a historic budget compromise. Under the recent agreement, Republicans will get to waste $175B more on military spending over the next two years and Democrats will get to exhaust an additional $131B in nondefense spending. The agreement also suspended the debt goal until March 2019, so lawmakers could focus on other key priorities, like finding the last remaining goods not subject to sanctions in North Korea.*
In the wake of the budget deal, some Republicans faced charges of hypocrisy for supporting increased deficits under Trump after criticizing deficits under Obama.
However, leading Republicans explained that they had not betrayed their principles at all. “The Republican Party has a long and honorable tradition of opposing deficits when the other party is in the White House,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained, “That will never change.”
Democratic lawmakers such as Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer backed McConnell up by noting the Democrats followed the same strategy. Schumer also pledged to fill in for the GOP by “opposing deficits until at least 2020.”
In a refreshing display of camaraderie on Capitol Hill, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi went further, adding that it’s “a cheap shot” to demand that politicians support the same policies when they are in power as they do when they are in the minority. “That’s like expecting Lockheed’s initial bid to be the actual cost,” she quipped.
*This is a satirical post. All quotations cited above are fictional.