Ancestry.com Shares Rise As Senate Investigation Expands to All Persons of Russian Descent

Ancestry.com logo | Source: Ancestry.com

NEW YORK–Shares of Ancestry.com (ACOM) soared this week on news that the Senate investigation into Russian election meddling has expanded to consider all persons of “Russian descent” as possible suspects.*

The decision to expand the Senate probe is expected to be a boon for the world’s largest genealogical research service. Traditionally, the company has relied on selling low-priced subscriptions to people who haven’t discovered a more compelling hobby, or a pet, or Netflix.

But now Ancestry.com is poised to receive a lucrative no-bid contract from a customer without any budget constraints–the US government.

Reached for comment by The Daily Face Palm, representatives of the company were excited and surprised by the news. “When we started out publishing genealogical reference guides 30 years ago, our goal was to help people to discover where they come from,” Investor Relations Officer Adam Warner explained in an emailed statement. “We never dreamed we’d be part of an ethnicity-based federal investigation that would make FDR proud.”

On the week, ACOM shares were up about 200%. They even outperformed shares of an artisan kombucha distributor that decided to add “blockchain” to its mission statement on Tuesday.

Sources close to the investigation say this isn’t the first time the group has decided to expand its scope. Earlier in 2017, after they exhausted all credible leads, investigators determined that they needed to cast a broader net.

To this end, the Senate probe started looking into everyone with suspiciously Russian-sounding names. “If your first name was Alex or Peter or Ana or God-forbid something like Dmitry–that was obviously a red flag,” the source said, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Now, they’ve expanded further to consider all persons of Russian descent. “It’s a logical progression,” one official explained.

There’s no word yet whether the broader scope has returned any new evidence. But experts say if this latest push fails, they may also look into everyone that likes hockey.

 

*This is a satirical post. It’s true that the Senate probe has considered all contacts with “persons of Russian descent” as potentially relevant to their investigation in at least one case, based on reporting from The Young Turks. However, Ancestry.com is currently a private company, does not have any publicly traded shares, and we are not aware of any actual reports of the US government contracting with them for this purpose. Additionally, all quotes and individuals mentioned in this article are fictional in nature.

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