FBI Declares Antifa “Domestic Keynesians”

Caricature of former economist Paul Krugman | By DonkeyHoteyImage , CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Saying that the black-clad activist group has now become a significant threat to Americans’ liberty, property, and ground-floor windows, the FBI has officially decided to label the “Antifa” group “Domestic Keynesians”.*

The FBI noted that this is one of the highest threat designations they have for individual groups, roughly equivalent to the sunburst orange threat level for the country at large.

Though small in number, the anti-fascist groups are known for punching above their weight with high-profile counterprotests. They’re also known for punching.

Borrowing a page from the US national security orthodoxy, the Antifa claim the right to use violence as a means of pre-emptive self-defense–otherwise known as offense–against white supremacists, neo-Nazis, and nefarious-looking inanimate objects and real estate since Property is Theft.

In an official statement explaining the reason for labeling the Antifa, the FBI noted that they are likely the most severe threat to American liberty and prosperity after the Republicans, the Democrats, the FBI, the DEA, the NSA, and your local police.

However, professional economists remain mixed on the net impact of Antifa. Those from the Chicago and Austrian schools tend to believe having one’s property destroyed or getting physically injured is “obviously a bad thing,” in the words of one economist who requested anonymity in order to avoid jeopardizing his professorship. However, those from the professional Keynesian school say that property destruction and violence inspires a large amount of economic activity.

“Doctors have to be paid to re-set your nose, contractors need to be hired to replace your window, and of course, somebody also needs to make that window,” former economist Paul Krugman explained, adding that “Without a violent protest, none of that would have been necessary.”

The good news is that, since these protests show no sign of slowing down, there will probably be a lot of opportunity to study the net impact of destructive protests empirically and settle the question as scientists.


*This is a satirical post. In reality, the FBI has apparently decided to label the Antifa as a domestic terrorist organization. All of the quotes and statements attributed above are fictional in nature.

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