SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Feeling relieved after being called a “son of a b****” by the President of the United States on Twitter, free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick said he expected to sign with a new team within the week.
Kaepernick has been in the crosshairs of the President for his silent protests of the US national anthem during the 2016 season. Kaepernick voluntarily decided to become a free agent from the 49ers at the end of last season, but has failed to find an enduring spot on another roster since.*
President Trump has promised to rain down lots of capital letters and exclamation points on any team that signs Kaepernick, leading some to speculate that NFL squads are avoiding the QB so they don’t have to figure out the mute functionality on Twitter, rather than based on his professional abilities.
Kaepernick said he had been feeling isolated and depressed about his prospects before this week. But now that President Trump has decided to re-escalate his attacks on Kaepernick and the few other players who joined in, everything is looking up.
“I think the Trump Opposition Bump is just the thing I needed,” Kaepernick explained, referring to the well-known phenomenon whereby previously unknown or even unpopular ideas and people instantly gain support when opposed by President Trump.
“If George W. Bush can regain popularity with Trump’s opposition, then I should be a shoo-in,” Kaepernick added.
*This is a satirical post. Trump did call the protesting players SOBs, but the other quotes cited above are fictional.