US officials are expressing some optimism that a looming conflict with North Korea will give the US Military Interventionists a chance to pick up a much-needed victory.*
The possible match-up against North Korea comes at a delicate time for the Interventionist organization.
The team has suffered an unbroken string of losses over the past 16 years against a diverse array of opponents from the Middle East and South Asia divisions. In many of the wars, the Interventionists seemed to have the upper-hand early only to see the leads slip away into chaos in the end.
In an effort to right the ship, the US Interventionists recently brought on a new head coach in the form of General James Mattis. The team also replaced much of its back office and appointed Donald Trump as the new general manager.
In his characteristically brash and repetitive fashion, Trump declared, “We’ll handle North Korea. We’re going to be able to handle them. It will be handled. We handle everything.”
Fans of the Interventionists want to believe that the club is finally ready to turn the page on its long-running drought, but many are reluctant to get their hopes up. “It all sounds good, but I’ll believe it when I see the scoreboard,” one fan told The Daily Face Palm.
They have good reason to be skeptical. In the weeks and months leading up to previous conflicts, Interventionist leaders have often offered rosy predictions of victory that were not borne out in reality.
For example, Kenneth Adelman, a high-ranking Interventionist executive prior to Iraq War 2, famously claimed that “liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk”.
Likewise, then-General Manager Barack Obama famously referred to the Islamic State as a “JV team” in early 2014 before the US Interventionists began formally fighting the group. While the comment was clearly meant to downplay the Islamic State’s abilities, the war against the group proved more difficult than initial predictions and is still ongoing even now.
And of course, who could forget then-Assistant Coach Hillary Clinton’s halftime interview during the war in Libya in which she prematurely declared victory? “We came, we saw, he died,” she said at the time.
The words would come back to haunt her and the Interventionists, however, as the country of Libya quickly devolved into a Hobbesian state of nature that used to be confined to philosophical treatises.
Analysts we spoke to were split on the question of whether the North Korea conflict may ultimately allow the US Interventionists to get in the win column for the first time in 21st century. However, they all agreed that this was one of the last chances before the franchise might have to consider shutting down.
“At this point, they’ve tried almost everything,” one commentator explained. “Counterinsurgency, drone strikes, invasion, fighting the terrorists here, backing the terrorists there, overthrowing governments, propping up governments–nothing seems to work.”
“If they fail in North Korea too, it might be time to hang up the cluster munitions for good.”
*This is a satirical post. Any quotes not cited with a hyperlink are fictional in nature.