King Salman of Saudi Arabia announced this week that he was appointing his 31-year-old son Mohammed bin Salman as the new crown prince. Mohammed bin Salman currently serves as the country’s defense minister and has pursued an ambitious foreign policy agenda since taking the post two years ago.*
Officials in Washington, DC were quick to applaud the announcement. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said that King Salman made a wise choice:
Mohammed bin Salman has been an indispensable ally in the battle against self-determination and stability in the Middle East. His profound commitment to human rights is only matched by his high tolerance for civilian casualties.
Other officials like Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) waxed nostalgic:
They grow up so fast, don’t they? It seems like only yesterday, young Salman was asking advice on how to start an aggressive war in Yemen to install a dictatorship. Now, even as that war continues, he’s already moved on to stoking a regional conflict with Qatar. I really couldn’t be prouder of him.
Meanwhile, Secretary of Defense James Mattis cited the leadership transition as another reason of why the US is allied with Saudi Arabia and opposed to Iran:
This week, Saudi Arabia showed once again why they remain a model for good governance and progress in the Middle East–and a vital ally of the United States. While the mullahs in Iran were busy holding an “election” where individual Iranians “voted” to keep a reformist politician in office, Saudi Arabia has stuck to its traditional roots. The King took it upon himself to select the next leader of the country and secure Saudi Arabia’s future.
It’s heartening to see real democracy at work in a region mired in chaos. The person have spoken in Saudi Arabia, and he chose Mohammed bin Salman.
*This is a satirical post. While the underlying event is real, all of the quotes above are fictional.