Man Claims Right to an American Job after Being Born Here

Huntington, IN–Speaking to reporters after President-elect Donald Trump’s major announcement that Carrier would be keeping some additional jobs in the US, a local employee Ben Jackson was ecstatic that someone in power was finally “trying to protect American jobs”.

Like many Americans, Jackson considers himself to be “not very political”. But he is a patriot. And as a patriot, he believes that he and other Americans ought to have the first claim for employment opportunities offered by companies that happen to have offices in the US–that is, first claim for American jobs.

While such claims are often greeted with skepticism by business managers, Jackson’s logic is difficult to argue with.  He is from here.  In his own words, “It’s not like I was born in America just by accident.”

In fact, he has a point.

According to multiple sources familiar with the matter, Jackson’s explanation for his American birth depends on the amount of alcohol he has consumed prior to the story. In more sober moments, Jackson attributes his birth in the small town of Moline, Illinois to the wisdom of God’s surprisingly detailed plan for us all, which naturally has to have a beginning somewhere. At higher levels of inebriation, meanwhile, he claims his American-ness was earned through a series of grueling episodes he went through in the “Before Time”–his phrase–episodes which sounded not altogether unlike the experience at a modern DMV.

In any case, for Jackson, the matter is settled. He earned his American heritage, either through divine intervention or prenatal patience, and he is entitled to all the rights that come with that–to “American oil”, “American jobs”, and American taxpayer subsidies for things like education and healthcare.

According to socio-anthropologist Professor Steven Bart of Everett State University, whose research focuses on the development of national identity, these sentiments are quintessentially American. Bart explained, “When people think of America, they might think of New York City or the Constitution or baseball. But what they should think about is feeling entitled to benefit from things you played no role in creating.”

Bart confirmed that multiple studies have proven this sentiment is actually more American than apple pie, at this point.

*All of the individuals quoted in this piece are fictional. Any similarities between their expressed opinions and those of public figures or trolls in your social media feed are entirely coincidental.

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