Looming Government Shutdown Will Close Vitally Obscure Services

The wheels of society are about to grind to a screeching halt. | Credit: Daniel Oines

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated voters across the US are bracing for the worst.

After a series of tweets and scuttled compromises, Washington DC is on the brink of a government shutdown. If it happens, it would be the first shutdown since 2013 when Senator Ted Cruz discovered he could watch himself give speeches on C-SPAN.

Continue reading Looming Government Shutdown Will Close Vitally Obscure Services

New SimCityPlanner Video Game Will Be Most Realistic Yet: Designers

Game cover image

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA–Electronic Arts has announced the latest title in the successful SimCity franchise. It’s called SimCityPlanner, and the game’s designers promise it will be the most realistic version yet.

Previous titles in the series were renowned for their attention to detail and extensive customization options. The series also finally provided a satisfying answer to the timeless question “Who will build the roads?” In SimCity, the answer is the player/god/mayor, and all of the subjects seem pretty happy with the arrangement.*

Continue reading New SimCityPlanner Video Game Will Be Most Realistic Yet: Designers

Ancestry.com Shares Rise As Senate Investigation Expands to All Persons of Russian Descent

Ancestry.com logo | Source: Ancestry.com

NEW YORK–Shares of Ancestry.com (ACOM) soared this week on news that the Senate investigation into Russian election meddling has expanded to consider all persons of “Russian descent” as possible suspects.*

Continue reading Ancestry.com Shares Rise As Senate Investigation Expands to All Persons of Russian Descent

Democrats Mark the End of Deficits Matter Month in DC

Senator Schumer, who helped lead the Democratic contributions to Deficits Matter Month. | Official Portrait

WASHINGTON, DC–This week, Democratic leaders marked the end of Deficits Matter Month by advocating for equal increases in defense and non-defense spending in the next bill to fund the government. (By contrast, some Republicans have advocated massive increases in defense spending without comparably reckless increases in domestic budgets.)*

Continue reading Democrats Mark the End of Deficits Matter Month in DC

As War Pre-orders Jump 12%, CIA Worries About Meeting Demand for Enemies

Nobody creates enemies as efficiently as the Agency. | Source: CIA Website, via Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Last week, President Trump approved a defense policy bill that includes a total budget of $692B, marking a nearly 12% increase in pre-ordered wars over the prior year.

Ordinarily, this surge in war pre-orders would be good news for the CIA, which creates most of the key enemy components needed for the wars. However, at least one insider at the Agency is concerned that they won’t be able to keep up with the demand.*

Continue reading As War Pre-orders Jump 12%, CIA Worries About Meeting Demand for Enemies

Trump Respectfully Responds to Gold Star Widow Criticism

President Trump describes the vital importance of this story | Credit: Marc Nozell, Flickr

WASHINGTON, DC–In the wake of an ambush that claimed the lives of four US servicemembers in Niger, the American press corps has been doggedly pursuing the most important aspect of the story: What did President Trump say on the phone to one of the widows and what was his tone?* Continue reading Trump Respectfully Responds to Gold Star Widow Criticism

After Sexual Assault Allegations, Weinstein Looks to Bill Clinton for Hope

Harvey Weinstein | Credit: David Shankbone, Wikimedia Commons

NEW YORK, NEW YORK–After a pair of bombshell stories in The New York Times and The New Yorker, which featured multiple women accusing him of sexual harassment and sexual assault, film executive Harvey Weinstein has seen his world quickly crumbling around him.

His wife filed for divorce. The eponymous company he founded severed ties with him. And nearly every famous acquaintance he had in Hollywood or Washington has gone on record denouncing him (though a few took appropriate time to verify that sexual assault committed by a donor still counts as reprehensible). Among Democrats, who once saw him as a valuable political ally, Weinstein may be less popular than Donald Trump at the moment–a distinction political scientists previously thought akin to absolute zero.*

Continue reading After Sexual Assault Allegations, Weinstein Looks to Bill Clinton for Hope

US Officials: Iran Nuclear Deal Failed to Address Non-Nuclear Issues

Mohammad Javad Zarif, Iran’s Foreign Minister and Deal Spirit Violator | Credit: Austria’s foreign ministry, Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON, DC–Noting that Iran has failed to live up to the Spirit of the agreement, senior White House officials told The Daily Face Palm that it would be in America’s national interest to unilaterally withdraw from the Iran Nuclear Deal.* Continue reading US Officials: Iran Nuclear Deal Failed to Address Non-Nuclear Issues